In the idyllic village of Witsend, Yorkshire, a groundbreaking experiment is underway that’s as puzzling as a Rubik’s Cube and as radical as a 90’s skateboarder. Welcome to a world where Big Brother isn’t just watching; he’s also your landlord, your dietician, and your social director. Yes, this Yorkshire hamlet has chosen to become the UK’s first community to trial living under a totalitarian government model that would make George Orwell spin in his grave.
“I adore the new changes,” said Fiona Crumble, sipping on a government-approved herbal concoction, as coffee and tea are now considered “too stimulating” for public consumption.
“You can’t buy meat anymore; it’s not eco-friendly. But the council delivers these delicious lentil-based ‘Not Sausages,’ and my husband can’t even tell the difference.”
All private property has been transferred to the government. That’s right, you sell your home to the council and then pay rent to live there. Gilbert Snook, another eager supporter of the project, explains, “I don’t even need to worry about late rent payments; it’s automatically deducted from my Digital Wallet.”
Cars have been completely banned in favor of communal bicycles, or as Mayor Wiggins calls them, “the people’s steeds.” These are allocated based on how virtuous your behavior has been that week. Late return of a communal umbrella? No bike for you.
And don’t even think about privacy. Every home is equipped with mandatory CCTVs—even in the bathrooms. “You get used to narrating your life, like it’s a reality TV show,” says Jane Dough, who’s looking forward to the review of her ‘bathroom habits’ by the council’s “Hygiene Czar.” Adding to that sentiment, Tom Grumble, a lifelong resident, chimed in, “If you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear, right? Besides, I’ve become quite the actor in front of the cameras!”
New to the program is co-housing. That’s right, you could share your home with total strangers, all allocated by the government’s “Personality Compatibility Bureau.” As Fred Beans puts it, “It’s a no-brainer. You lose your privacy but gain an instant family selected by an algorithm.”
In the latest update to this evolving experiment, it’s been announced that all villagers will now be required to wear the same clothing: a uniform set of red overalls and a red cap, each bearing a unique number instead of a name tag. Not only does this standardized wardrobe eliminate the morning fashion dilemma, it’s also eco-friendly.
“It’s simply marvelous! I no longer have to waste time in the morning deciding what to wear, and think of all the water we’re saving by reducing laundry!”
says enthuses Samantha Higgins. Indeed, this clothing initiative is being touted as another step towards environmental sustainability, cutting down on the excessive production and wasteful consumption of fast fashion
The Witty Whistle attempted to probe further into the unfolding events at Witsend, but unfortunately, our press pass was deemed “too subversive” for entry. According to the friendly government censors, we will be able to reapply in 6 to 8 months, pending a thorough review of our “ideological compatibility.”
Parliament is slated to debate the Witsend experiment next year after an online petition gained a surprising amount of support. And while this brave—or bonkers—little village may be the UK’s first to dance with totalitarianism, one can’t help but wonder: Is Witsend the future, or a cautionary tale for the rest of us?
