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WIND TAX ULEZ Takes on a New Meaning in Scotland: Now You Pay For Passing Wind!

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The council area of Aberdeenshire, Scotland, is taking air pollution to a whole new level. In an audacious experiment to cut down on greenhouse gases, they’ve launched a new initiative that is, quite frankly, a real gas! Introducing the Ultra Low Emission Zone (ULEZ) — but it’s not what you think. Forget cars; this is all about curtailing those personal emissions.

That’s right! The Aberdeenshire City Council has decided to fine residents for passing wind in public areas. Citing ‘personal responsibility for air quality’, the council has outfitted several public areas with state-of-the-art “flatulence detectors”. Exceed the daily limit, and you’ll find yourself slapped with a “Gas Pass” fine.

Mayor Fiona MacDonald explains,

“It’s not about penalizing our citizens, it’s about encouraging better digestive choices. Perhaps choose the haggis over the beans next time?”

Local reactions are a mixed bag of gasped disbelief and chuckles. Alistair McFee, an avid jogger, voiced concerns, “What if I…you know, let one slip during a morning run? Do I have to pay double for exerting and emitting?” On the other hand, Brenda Thompson, a schoolteacher, finds the initiative amusing, “Well, if this isn’t a way to teach children about responsibility, I don’t know what is!”

However, local businesses see a silver lining. Pharmacies report a significant spike in sales of antacids and gas-relief pills. Gregor Wallace, owner of the local “Whispering Wheat Bakery”, says, “Our gluten-free pastries are flying off the shelves faster than ever!”

Whether this ‘windy’ initiative proves effective or ends up deflating remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure, Aberdeenshire’s citizens will think twice before they let it out, making it the quietest (and hopefully the freshest) city in Scotland.

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